The spectrum

Not all spectrums are full of colour

Some just go from shit to horrible

A continuity of pain

Of your disgust (maybe?)


I don’t want to sanitize myself

Every single time

Monitor your responses and update my mathematical models

But I have to


Maybe that is why I hate my brain

For not being able to love like everyone else

Feel like everyone else

Be like everyone else


I feel like a bird born with deformed wings

Wanting to fly along the rainbow

But not

Because I fucking can’t


All the world is quicksand

And all things in it, sinking

Out of my grasp

Out of my mind


I am lightning McQueen trying to lift herself

I can feel the aerodynamic downforce

Pinning me down

Onto sorrow, numbness and want


I see the world in colour

But live it in greyscale

Being a part of the rainbow

Yet not at the same time


I live inside this tiny subset of life I call home

Void of going out on dates

Of sleepovers

A mason jar filled with dust


Pile on, woes

For with you I know there is no parting

Pile on, life

For you are all I have

Abigail Silversmith Irfan

Abigail Silversmith Irfan (she/they) is an autistic trans person, who is doing undergrad in physics, chemistry and math, loves dungeons and dragons, board games and listening to (and writing) poems.